Seth again, I mean, obviously. No one is going to hack this blog and pretend to be me.
Going through school takes time, I always knew that. But it was four years of watching my friends move out on their own while I stayed at home, still letting my parents pay for everything. I didn’t feel right, and I was embarrassed. But no one would hire me.
What skills did I have? Being able to write music on staff paper and explain classical cadence types weren’t really marketable skills. So I started to get depressed. Really depressed.
Turns out that composition as a major can be really isolating, and as a career choice too. Even other musicians don’t really understand it. They are all about playing the music, they don’t think about what goes into creating it. Let me tell you, heart and soul go into the creation. So does sweat and blood.
So depression honestly didn’t help with my drinking. The only time I could cut loose and feel like I belong was when I was drinking with the other students. My parents were paying for everything, I was a failure at everything, and I chose a career that wasn’t going to get me anywhere. Yeah, I fell into the bottle hard.
Alcohol made me a better person. No seriously, that’s how I felt. I was always so cold and cut off from everyone when I was sober, but get a few beers in me, and I was the life of the party. I’d sing karaoke, play air guitar, scream at the top of my lungs about twelve-tone theory and not care if anyone listened.
It’s not surprising that I started drinking more than just on the weekends. I wanted friends, I wanted to be like, and alcohol was only part of the college experience, right?
It was nice having friends and people to go out with. They supported my endeavors even if they didn’t understand it, like everyone else in my life. I wasn’t really interested in dating or anything, I just wanted friends to do things with. I just wanted people to care about what I cared about.
Alcohol made me more friendly, made me open up. That made me think that I needed it to be a normal person when that wasn’t the case. I would go out drinking and sleep late into the morning. When I drank, I didn’t eat enough, and I lost a lot of weight. I didn’t think it was a bad thing, because again, zany composers are almost the ideal.
Like I said, soon I wasn’t just drinking in the evenings, but I didn’t realize how bad it was for way too long.