It’s kind of hard admitting to all my imperfections like this. I spent so long holding up this idea of what I was supposed to be that admitting I failed so utterly feels impossible. But I’m doing it. I own up to who I used to be, and it will help me grow and move past this.
So there’s this whole alcohol culture that comes with college. Frat parties are a regular thing, and college students are supposed to binge drink. The college years are for all of us to run wild, you know? I never thought I’d get caught up in all that.
Alcohol culture makes partying and binge drinking okay, makes it normal. So college students going out a few nights a week and drinking themselves into a stupor is fine. It’s not like they’re doing it every day and they deserve to relax. Except binge drinking has its own dangers.
Alcoholism isn’t the only form of drinking that is harmful. But no one ever really says that your buddy drinking a six pack every night is a problem. It’s seen as normal, as winding down. It shouldn’t be. Because drinking alcohol all the time is so bad for your body.
I actually became malnourished my final year of college. I wasn’t doing great in all of my classes, and my body was giving out on me. That’s because I was giving it alcohol instead of food or sleep. I had a flask that was on me at all times for a quick pick-me-up, and no one ever suspected.
My behavior quickly became erratic, but no one said I had a drinking problem. It was normal to have a bottle of fireball hidden away in your nightstand. Classic college guy. I was finally fitting in and doing something that other people understood.
Of course, my music suffered. My professors were disappointed when my projects started out amazing and then tapered off. That happened to me a lot actually. Everything had such promise, and I was invested until suddenly I wasn’t anymore.
Even something that I had lived and breathed and dedicated my life to was evading me. So I drank more. I think I drank through my entire last year of college and wandered it in an alcoholic fugue state.
The memory is not pleasant. Neither is how alcohol abuse affected my body and mind after years of it.
Yes, we’re finally getting to it — the big magical breakdown.